Why You're Not Married Yet... | Psychology Today

"Why You're Not Married... Yet" was one of the most popular articles in Huffington Post history and now has been made into a controversial new book.

?http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/47565860/ns/today-books/t/getting-core-why-youre-not-married-yet/

Author Tracy McMillan lists six reasons why women are not already married:

1. You're a "b#@$!."(rhymes with hitch)

2. You're shallow.

3. You're a "slut."

4. You're a liar (to yourself about what you really want.)

5. You're selfish.

6. You're not good enough (always trying to get someone better than yourself.)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

Let's assume Ms. McMillan is right that women should correct these six areas of character defect, and let's ignore the possibilty that transforming from a shallow, slutty, lying, selfish "b$#@!" with an inferiority complex might take years, decades or a lifetime of therapy. Let's say you took all this advice and now are "kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving and accepting of yourself." How does this stop you from ending up in a relationship or marriage with a man who used physical attraction, charm and approval seeking to appear to? be a man of character who is willing to commit but after the honeymoon period slowly reveals himself to be totally incompatible and lacking in character or real commitment?

Ms. McMillan tells us that she believes that "every woman who wants to can find a great partner." But how do women find that great partner? The media of music, movies and television have taught successive generations of young men that deceiving women is the proper way to conduct courtship and marriage. The pattern of courtship and marriage, known as Mirage Man Syndrome, is ensconced in our cultural mindset as the only modern way to woo and win women. It is unfair to blame women for? responsibility for?the chaos in relationships today?when even the kindest, most religious and moral young men are using the same deceptive dating technique as the worst misogynist. How are women supposed to make wise choices?when most of the men they?meet are pretending to be her Prince Charming? Whether they end up with a Charlie Sheen?or a?Tim Tebow clone, the cultural use of Mirage Man Syndrome ensures that most women will end up with less than their ideal mate.

Tracy McMillan's book reminds us of two self-help bestsellers. The first was?the smash "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. "The Rules" emphasized the benefits of using boundaries? to establish a healthier dating relationship. However, the goal of "The Rules" was for the woman reader to apply the skills outlined in the book to use dating to reach the goal of matrimony regardless of compatibility and interests. Fein and Schneider urged their readers to withhold their true feelings and secrets until somewhere between?the man's open declaration of love and formal engagement. In other words, the man should?already be committed to the woman before he finds out what she is truly like. ?

Likewise Ms. McMillan seems more interested in achieving ?the goal of getting married than staying married (she has been divorced three times herself.) There's nothing wrong with urging women to be more virtuous, but it feels like Ms. McMillan's suggestions?in her book would be?used by women to pretend to be virtuous to get to?the altar. After the honeymoon would the woman's true character return? Would these women be mirages themselves?

The second book that reminds us of Ms. McMillan's book?is Ellen Sue Stern's "Loving An Imperfect Man", which taught that the problem with relationships is again the woman's fault: their expectations are simply too high. But is expecting men to be steady, faithful, considerate and industrious unrealistic? Women are continually burdened with the responsibility for the failure of so many marriages when the culprits are often deceptive men who are simply unwilling to live up to age-old standards.

Ms. McMillan seems to hold out this child-like faith in her book that women will have this epiphany of love no matter that by her own admission, marriage won't make you happy?and your future husband won't?do what you want him to do. That sounds like advice to?forget marriage?and just go get a cat.

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/repairing-relationships/201208/why-youre-not-married-yet

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